Sunday, August 15, 2010

Trying to figure it all out

It is not the cacophony of a chaotic house with a toddler (the house is not that noisy or disorganized) but the cacophony of my own head which is holding me up. My own desires that confound me now that a baby is here.

There is so much time to make up for....times when I have not been as considerate of my partner as I would like to have been, times for active pausing, allowing relativity to be a friend in the days I am with Pablo, compression of time while training -- I can't do 4 hours a day, 5 days a week every week; I have to find a way to get the same conditioning done in 2, maybe 3 unless I'm rehearsing.

There is the desire to purge my life of things that attach to a suddenly irrelevant past, things purchased when low or selfish, things that encroach on the breathing space I feel we all need as a threesome.

Breathing! OH if i could only remember to do that. And again I don't mean from the rushing, I mean very peacefully remembering to inhale and exhale fully. Only when Pablo is upset or resisting sleep do I concentrate on slowly my heart beat and smoothly breathing. I often fall asleep too in these moments, succumbing to the regular rhythm of myself and the warm baby in my lap.

I'm sure other mums feel this. I'm sure other non-parents feel this in relation to similarly profound and important shifts, additions, subtractions.

I feel like I'm going backwards some days because I always feel myself in relation to myself right now. A true, embodied memory (beyond visceral, emotional, muscular somehow) is never accessible so I forget that me now is different, evolved from me two years ago. I am me two years ago plus pregnancy, birth, creative processes, a vacation, a tour, many challenging performances, dull days, sad days, mild drunks, colds, utter joy, utter hurt and lots of cookies.

Trust. I've forgotten to trust. The details I trust. The big picture, the whole thing oh how I try to clutch you. (Come let me clutch thee -- ha!). I try to hold without focusing my eyes on the details. And then focusing on weeding out the details that are no longer important or maybe I just can't see anymore because my eyes are getting old?

When I'm with Pablo and Dennes, I'm very good at being in the present moment -- sometimes too good, AKA hormonal....I still await the post-pregnancy lunar shift. It is somehow easy to be in the present moment with babies because they are constantly noticing, remarking, discovering. Pablo is always noticing how light reflects off water, mirrors, other shiny things and creating dapples of light along odd places on the wall or ceiling. He makes sure I notice too.

How do I do this when I'm dancing, speeding, processing, expressing, forming and reshaping, saying, thinking, feeling? I want to express everything all at once, but that is impossible.